Lately, I’ve been doing something very dangerous and up until now, it’s been my little secret. When my alarm goes off somewhere between 5-5:15am, I’ve been stumbling down the stairs and heading straight for the coffee pot. After I’ve had one sufficiently long, glorious sip I gather my Bible, journal, devotional, pens, and highlighters. Then, with a blanket across my legs and my faithful companion, Ryder, at my side, I utter the following three very dangerous words softly, but most definitely, out loud. I simply say, “Change me, Lord.”
If you don’t know me personally, you may think this is no big deal for me. But for you who know me well, you know I am a creature of habit. I like organization. Routine. On Sunday evenings, I sit down and plan my week. With color-coded markers I carefully document each and every thing on that week’s schedule. I know who has to be where at what time. I plan my workouts and the daily menus. I make a list of ingredients I may need to run to the store for and I schedule the exact day and time that the grocery shopping will commence. I know who’s coming, who’s going, and who I am responsible for at all times. I like things exactly the way they are in my calendar and I do not appreciate (nor do I schedule time for) deviation.
By now you’re probably thinking I’m a bit of a control freak…and you are absolutely correct. And for a freak like me, opening up and inviting change in is utterly terrifying and quite stupid. It’s like visiting the Amazon Rainforest without mosquito repellent: I absolutely know this is going to leave me visibly “bitten,” uncomfortable, slightly miserable, and maybe even a little scarred.
But my plea for change is rooted in one simple, undeniable, irrefutable truth that I have recently come to terms with—I simply cannot move forward if I remain who I am and where I am.
For far too long I have been comfortable. Comfortable in my role as the mom who gathers her cubs in like a momma bear and protects them from all harm. Comfortable in my role as the one who brings stability to our Air Force-imposed instability. Comfortable to sit by and receive as someone else runs the ministry, reaches out, chases dreams, teaches, preaches, writes, and speaks. I’ve been a silent observer to so many women who bravely put themselves out there and do all the things that God has called them to do.
By asking God to change me, I’m inviting Him to make me uncomfortable for the first time in a very long time. I’m asking Him to stretch me, use me, and show me exactly what it is that He put me on this Earth to be besides all the things I already am. Don’t misunderstand me here: I’m not talking about turning my back on my role in our family. I’m not ungrateful or resentful. I don’t feel like I’ve been missing out or being cheated. I don’t want to be something other than who I am. I want to be something in addition to who I am. Simply put, I feel like there’s something else…..something it wasn’t the right time for before; but something He wants me to make time for now.
This all sounds lovely, doesn’t it? But let me take a moment to be completely honest with you: It actually, really sucks.
It sucks because there is an awful lot of mess standing between who I am now, and the me He’s calling me to be. Leave it to the Spirit to point out the fact that I possess a lot of negative attitudes. I don’t think it’s any accident that I’ve found myself in several situations recently that enabled me to see just how short-tempered and judgmental I can be. Just the other day, I opened my mouth when I should have superglued it shut. And then there have been other moments when I’ve superglued my mouth when I should have opened it and let Truth flow from my lips. I’m the complete antithesis of James 1:19. Truly, I’m a hot mess just begging God to tidy me up and use me for His kingdom.
The sucky part isn’t when I have to face these things. The sucky part is when I have to fight to change them. It’s not something I want to do because, truthfully, I’d rather just not. But these flaws of mine need mending if I want to confidently step into the “next” that God is calling me to.
A pastor by the name of Tim Keller tweeted something years ago and it was recently retweeted by someone I follow. It has been gnawing at me for the past several weeks. He said,
“If your god never disagrees with you,
you might just be worshiping an idealized version of yourself.”
I don’t know about you, but those words leave me hungry for change. They leave me leaping out of bed at 5:15 to open His word and see where I don’t measure up. They leave me wanting my opinions to be challenged by His Word and my feelings to be wounded by His Truth. They leave me desperately seeking and asking him to please. just. change. me. because the very last person on this Earth worthy of my worship is me.
I don’t want to be comfortable and complacent any longer. I want to be dangerously obedient to every single thing He calls me to. I want to be heartbroken for what makes Him heartbroken. I want to be willing to risk ridicule, failure, and my personal contentment in order to make my one, wild, ridiculous life count for everything in the eyes of the only One who sees my life into Eternity.
So, what about you, my friend? Do you want to live dangerously with me? How willing are you to change?